How to Get Scared by a Binder

I’m overwhelmed by how much space that’s been taken up by papers. Paper is so thin, if we had only seen what paper looked like we never would have guessed how easily they stack on top of each other. I can see the papers overflowing my binder like hot pasta with water boiling over the pot. They remind me of the monstrous book of monsters from harry potter.

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From Halloween grams to college career pamphlets, nothing has been thrown out. Most of the papers have never been touched for months, not even looked at. Yet I still hold on to them. And so begins the battle of stuffing papers into a space that doesn’t exist. Oh what agony, to be looking for something that wasn’t even there. Or flipping through all compartments of a two inch binder until you finally find what you’ve been looking for, only to find that it was in an obvious spot you’ve overlooked twenty times. The papers have consumed me. My chest carries the burden of being pressed by weights. Breaths feel heavier like a smoker wheezing for the last full breath of sweetness called life. It would be a
daring move to open my binder out of leisure.

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Finally the day comes where you can’t escape the pain of cleaning your binder. The time has come to sort, file, and throw papers out. And it’s dreadful. But once it’s been finished, a new feeling arises. It feels fresh and the weights have been lifted. Breathing is easier now. And all is well. Skip ahead a few more months , and you’re back to square one, it’s like you’ve never escaped from the place you started from. There’s no proof of progress because nothing has changed. What a shame.

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New beginnings, second chances, they are like drugs that inspire you to do great things. When you write a new year’s resolution, you feel obligated to accomplish every goal and it feels like nothing is impossible. You get another chance of becoming the better version of yourself you haven’t reached. Second,third, fourth and chances don’t change anything if you don’t force change. Christians baptize themselves to become reborn, to cleanse themselves of their past to make a better change. It usually only happens once. It would be useless to baptize someone who is constantly sinning with the intention of sinning. Don’t wait until your binder is filled up, clean it every week.
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