“The End Has No End”

Forgive me for stealing your song name, if any of the band members of the Strokes ever sees this. Julian, Albert, Fabrizio, Nick, and Nickolai, I’m sorry, even though you guys broke up a while ago. But I can’t help that it’s a great title.

As Orwell puts it,

“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”


A blog post has the potential to be just as similar. Especially when it comes to the conclusion. But I never really reach the conclusion. Writing is like reaching for something that gets farther away. Between the space and object are ideas,opinions, and memories that attach themselves like extra pieces of legos on an already “completed” rocket ship. All my blog posts are unfinished pieces of writing, which ends up as a mega-aqua-rocket ship. Like trees that branch off from itself or from other branches, or charmless charm bracelets begging for attention, or a plain fro-yo screaming for toppings, there’s always something to add. There is no end(oh hello title reference)!

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How to Get Scared by a Binder

I’m overwhelmed by how much space that’s been taken up by papers. Paper is so thin, if we had only seen what paper looked like we never would have guessed how easily they stack on top of each other. I can see the papers overflowing my binder like hot pasta with water boiling over the pot. They remind me of the monstrous book of monsters from harry potter.


From Halloween grams to college career pamphlets, nothing has been thrown out. Most of the papers have never been touched for months, not even looked at. Yet I still hold on to them. And so begins the battle of stuffing papers into a space that doesn’t exist. Oh what agony, to be looking for something that wasn’t even there. Or flipping through all compartments of a two inch binder until you finally find what you’ve been looking for, only to find that it was in an obvious spot you’ve overlooked twenty times. The papers have consumed me. My chest carries the burden of being pressed by weights. Breaths feel heavier like a smoker wheezing for the last full breath of sweetness called life. It would be a
daring move to open my binder out of leisure.


Finally the day comes where you can’t escape the pain of cleaning your binder. The time has come to sort, file, and throw papers out. And it’s dreadful. But once it’s been finished, a new feeling arises. It feels fresh and the weights have been lifted. Breathing is easier now. And all is well. Skip ahead a few more months , and you’re back to square one, it’s like you’ve never escaped from the place you started from. There’s no proof of progress because nothing has changed. What a shame.


New beginnings, second chances, they are like drugs that inspire you to do great things. When you write a new year’s resolution, you feel obligated to accomplish every goal and it feels like nothing is impossible. You get another chance of becoming the better version of yourself you haven’t reached. Second,third, fourth and chances don’t change anything if you don’t force change. Christians baptize themselves to become reborn, to cleanse themselves of their past to make a better change. It usually only happens once. It would be useless to baptize someone who is constantly sinning with the intention of sinning. Don’t wait until your binder is filled up, clean it every week.

“Sorry for not uploading”

Youtube seems like the perfect job, you hit the record button and you shoot what you want. It’s all up to you to think of the ideas and the content you want to share with the internet. However, with something good comes a flaw. I have no experience in creating videos and having a stable subscriber count, but I’ve seen the dark alleyways of youtube. The mistake that a lot of young youtubers make is, creating content based on the audience’s feedback. Applying the concept of supply and demand in videos, isn’t necessarily a BAD thing. In fact, it brings more viewers, people get to see what they want to see, and you become a better youtuber by using critique. However many times, people, specifically, youtubers see opinions as critique and eventually stop doing/get rid of the content that isn’t in the majority of the viewer’s vote. Sometimes it’s a good thing, because more people will continuously watch their videos because that pet peeve or whatever is gone. But on the other hand, the things that the creators had incorporated into their videos—are gone and that can mean part of their creativity.There’s a difference in using feedback to improve yourself, and using feedback to get popular. As youtubers focus more and more on what their viewers want to see, they forget about making videos their own. Eventually people get tired of making videos, later creating an apology and an explanation as to why they haven’t been filming. Every once in a while you see a video where a youtuber sits down and takes a video of themselves crying or being upset and later apologizing for showing it, like it’s such a shame to show how human a famous person can be. Connor Franta, Zoe Sugg(aka Zoella), and Claire Marshall are some youtubers that come to mind when it comes to being dehumanized. Like famous celebrities, youtuber is another category that is objectified like movie stars and such. There’s a pressure to keep up with appearances, to let people know that you are happy and that if you aren’t, then that’s a problem you don’t want to share with the world. While it makes sense that not everyone is comfortable with sharing their problems with random strangers, there is no reason to apologize for feeling blue, something that all humans understand. When a youtuber apologizes for getting stressed out, it feels like they’re saying ” I hope you still accept me after all of this”. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Occasionally you get the “youtube just isn’t the same anymore, it just feels like work”. What felt like a hobby in the beginning, now feels like working in a bland cubicle. Youtubers are expected to create interesting and frequent videos, but it’s hard to keep up with the standard. Others fall behind, and those that lack creativity base their content off of what their viewers want to see, they stop creating things that they genuinely want to do and eventually lose the passion for Youtube that was once there. This is what bothers me the most because during the past month I’ve listened to kids saying that they want to change their content to what fits their audience. They don’t understand how tiring it can be to write blog posts if it’s not to their benefit. Would you rather write posts about things you don’t have fun writing about with the exception that you have 10 million followers or write about things you’re interested in with 10 followers that genuinely like you for you? content

Don’t Be a Weenie

My 9th grade English teacher once told me about how she turned down the chance of meeting Ray Bradbury. Well, she wasn’t technically going to meet him, but the job was to show Bradbury around her school or something like that. She told us that she turned down the offer because she was shy. I couldn’t believe it! She turned down Ray Bradbury, I mean, opportunities like this don’t come so often and to put something down because of fear, is kind of sad. She ended the story by telling us how rueful she was and I felt the same aching pain so I started thinking, why do we let fear stump us? In fact, why do we allow our emotions to dictate our actions? Some feelings are temporary, and if everyone acted based on how they felt, this world would be more chaotic. I hope to never come across a situation where I let my fear get in the way of something I want. It’s so easy to tell yourself to ignore fear’s presence ,but then you start wandering off and thinking about all the worst things that could happen. You start making excuses and by the time you’ve made your decision, it’s already too late. And now you’re realizing that fighting over something you know you wanted to do, was just a waste of time. It’s not a bad thing that you’re missing out on something, but the fact that you convinced yourself that you were defeated, is what makes the difference. We should be able to explore things free from judgement or fear. Kick down the door to your comfort zone, and venture what you please because I’ve never heard anyone envy about people who live life “safely”. By “safely” I mean getting rid of the things that aren’t in your daily routine and only sticking to the things that you have become used to. Adventurous people are more fun because they’re willing to do what most people are afraid to do. Now I’m not saying you should go jumping off cliffs, but a little fear in our lives keeps it exciting.


Putting More Work Into Procrastinating Than Actually Doing It

I hate procrastinating, but I always end up doing it anyways. I’m a lazy person and when I’m given homework, I try to lag the work until the last day. My chemistry class is a good reference to my system of procrastination. The first thing I do when I’m assigned homework is look at the due date, which is most likely due the next day. My chemistry teachers loves assigning us reading everyday, and sometimes he repeats the homework to make sure we retain what we read. Teachers who assign things like this are great, but I take it the wrong way. I decide that I can just do all of the reading that was due at the end of the week ,the day before all of the reading is due. There’s always a voice at the back of my head saying that I should start working on my homework because I will fail that class, and then there’s the voice that I follow. I try to drown out what I should be doing by doing things that I shouldn’t be doing, like watching videos on youtube. So I come home at four and the clock has struck 9 and I’m realizing that I could have gotten so much work done if I had stuck to doing my work. The logical thing to do, is to start the work after realizing that you will fail the class, but I just get even more worried and decide to procrastinate some more. I have a real problem. I spend so much time thinking about how difficult or tedious my work is, that, that’s all I accomplish when all that energy could have gone to ACTUALLY doing something. Sometimes I’ll just go into my living room and find ANY excuse to get me away from doing my homework. I’ll take out the trash, walk my dog, wash the dishes, or just sit and literally do NOTHING so I don’t have to deal with starting my homework. I do this a lot, so this piles up, fast. So on top of the homework that’s due tomorrow, I have to worry about the homework that was due, like a week ago. However there are also the times where I actually do my homework on the day it’s assigned, but even then I’m procrastinating along the way. The second I open my chemistry book, I’m hungry so I grab a snack, but then I realize it’s been over an hour. There is no point in continuing my work, if I already wasted half of my time eating. The final day comes along, and by 9PM I decide that I really need to finish my stuff, so I do and I end up going to school with about 3-4 hours of sleep. Along those frustrating hours of trying to finish my work, I realize that the homework wasn’t as dreadful as I thought. All I can think about now, is how thinking about something too much or too little isn’t a good thing. While I was distracted, I tried little to think about the mounting piles of homework, so when I got around to doing it, I was a mess.When I thought about it too much, I got anxious so I resorted to distractions which wasn’t a great solution to my problem. I had good intentions in the beginning, but I fell through during the process. Stop being a nugget, and go by the nike slogan and just do it.


Being Selfish About Discoveries

To what extent should you share yourself? By sharing yourself, I mean sharing your interests, desires, experiences, etc etc. I’ve been debating this topic for a long time, but I never went beyond what was obvious and known. There will be times when I find a new band or a restaurant by myself or others, and I don’t want anybody else finding out about it. When I first read the Hunger Games series, I was in LOVE. I thought I was so cool because it wasn’t popular then, and to me, things that aren’t popular meant that it was more cool. After a couple months, the series became well known, and my friend started reading it. I’m not sure what happened, but I remember we reached an argument about how she was “copying” me by reading what I liked. I called her a copycat because she liked my thing! Sometimes I’ll find something awesome, and I don’t want to share it with anybody because it’s MY thing, it’s what sets me apart from everybody else. I didn’t like how when I did tell someone my discovery, that they would go off telling other people about it like they were the ones that discovered. I understand now, that this stems from the idea of wanting to be different and that it doesn’t matter where the source comes from-but who it inspires. The reason why I don’t like talking about certain things, is so that I stay different. To this day, I still have the same aspect of not wanting to share something that I love, opposed to the people who love sharing anything. If the secret you’re keeping has the ability to inspire, should it be worth sharing? The pros of keeping something to yourself is that you get to feel special. The cons of keeping something to yourself, is that when you’re in a conversation and something reminds you of that secret, you don’t share it because you care more about people finding out. Overall it’s better to share your thoughts with others than being a hermit crab that gets grumpy about other people having the same thoughts. I guess to me, the main reason why I want to keep things a secret is so I can get “brownie points”, but I learned that knowing something cool isn’t what actually makes you cool.

kristen stewart

The Good, the Bad, and the Weird Points of Rain

I hate getting wet when I’m not showering or getting bombarded by water balloons in the summer. A couple days ago I had to walk home in the rain and  I ended up soaking wet because I didn’t have an umbrella. In addition to getting soaked, I got sprayed by murky water when cars went past me,  my mom’s efforts to driving slowly on the road made me assume that people don’t drive faster when it’s pouring, I was wrong. There are lots of things to complain about when it rains, like getting wet, driving slower than usual, having your hair frizz up, and having to dance around the snails and worms that pop out of nowhere. The worst thing about worms, is that they wiggle, and they wiggle FAST, once you step out your door you have to mentally calibrate where the worm is going, and how fast it’s moving. Snails on the other hand, stay at about the same slow pace, but there are lots of snails everywhere so you have a higher chance of stepping on one in addition to the manic worms, just thinking about crushing a snail brings cringe-worthy chills up my spine, gross!The one thing I’m most annoyed about rain ,is taking my dog out. Like most dog owners, I don’t own a dog-raincoat so it’s difficult for your pup to be comfortable doing their business when they’re being splattered by cold water. I came up with a temporary solution when I was in the 7th grade, I somehow fashioned a plastic bag as a cover up for my dog. Sure, I could have used a t-shirt, but that wouldn’t have been as fun as creating something out of trash, plus t-shirts aren’t waterproof. Besides taking my dog outside and trying to avoid the creepy crawlers, I really enjoy when it rains.What I like when it rains is the atmosphere it brings, the sky is gloomy, the temperature drops, and we all struggle like madmen reaching for the driest place we can find. Staying indoors when it’s raining is fulfilling because it’s comforting to know we’re warm and fuzzy in comparison to the cold outside. I already like staying indoors, but raining is an added bonus which also gives you another reason to stay inside. I know you’re not supposed to open the windows when it’s raining, but the smell of wet greenery is manipulating. Musky is the most appropriate word when it comes to describing how the rain smells. The rain is exciting because you hear things you’re familiar with, but love to hear. It’s like the first time you hear something new, it’s interesting, you’re not quite sure what it is, but you want to hear more. The sound of rain varies by the amount of rain that’s produced, when it’s raining lightly ,it sounds like a pen that continually taps on a soft book. When there’s a lot of rain and cars drive by, it sounds like a clean fast rip of a paper, this can also sound like you’re whistling the word “shoe” about a billion times. But these aren’t the only factors that differentiate the sound of rain hitting something. Another great thing you get to do when it rains, is taking your umbrella out! For the time that it rains, you get to experience what it’s like to be your own roof. I feel so much power when I use an umbrella because I get to choose where I shield myself. Most of all, it’s fun experiencing something that doesn’t happen often. It’s like what George Zinavoy of The Art of Getting By ,said when he told Sally Howe his rules of ditching school, rule number one being that cutting school is fun, followed by rule number two which is to cut rarely to preserve the specialness. Likewise, Voltaire said about the same thing,

  “The secret of being a bore is to tell everything”

Once you get used to common things, you know so much about it,so you get bored of it. Humans have a natural desire for change, so once we keep doing things repeatedly, we get tired of it. Voltaire is saying that people who are mysterious are more interesting than people who talk about everything, because when there’s something we don’t know about someone, we itch at the chance to find what it is. The lesson here is that you should keep some things a mystery because once you know everything, or have become accustom to it, it’s no longer as fun as it used to be.I love the rain and at the end of the day, I’m glad it doesn’t rain often so I can savor the moment and not grudgingly say “ugh, it’s raining again.


Take It Easy

I was reading Siddhartha and I came across the scene where the merchant, Kamaswasi was scolding Siddhartha for not buying rice and wasting time, Siddhartha replied saying that it’s a waste of time to scold. The reason why Siddhartha couldn’t buy the rice was because it was sold before he got to the village. The usual response to a situation like this would be to get annoyed and possibly even push out one’s anger onto others. By reading Siddhartha, you would already know that Siddhartha is an extraordinary character, but this scene stuck out to me because I never thought about the choices we’re able to choose from in any situation. I react unconsciously and without hesitation to almost everything and I never bothered to question why. When Siddhartha found out about the rice, he decided to stay in the village, instead of grudgingly going back to Kamaswasi’s place unsatisfied. He realized there were two choices to this situation, either come back unhappy or experience and absorb from his surroundings which would lead him to temporary happiness and would in essence, make the journey feel whole. The lesson is clear and simple, it’s stupid to waste your energy and time on being discontent because you accomplish nothing, you make yourself and others feel worse, and you’re so focused on your unhappiness you forget about everything else. Once you let distress become the main focus of the situation you’re in, you’ll often make bad choices and it’ll harm the good around you. Though on occasion it’s good to acknowledge what has happened and let it go, I haven’t found what my main goal in life is or what it is that I live for, but I know that life isn’t about finding happiness or love, it’s about experience. Make of whatever situation you’re in, better than what you’d expect. “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh”  , so laugh off what’s making you angry because not everything is as serious as you think. The moment you start to actually analyze what made you upset, you start to realize that it’s insignificant. Actions based off on anger can lead to regret, so make clear of the decisions you make and say and act cautiously.