We are the Main Characters and Extras in a Play

I haven’t paid much attention to my surroundings as I used to. When I would walk through the hallways of my school, I would look at everything and everyone around me. Nowadays I kind of just blur everything out. Have you ever played hide and seek and thought that if you didn’t see anything you assumed that no one could see you? Your perspective controlled the game, but you ended up losing. Child logic -0 reality -1.

tree

 

After making unpleasant eye contact with other kids in middle school, I learned that people don’t look at other people as they walk by. It was this unspoken rule that I’ve only heard of by the eighth grade. Maybe I was just a weird kid, the stereotypical homeschooled kid that had a prom in their basement. Well whatever it was, I started doing what the normal thing was, it wasn’t much of a change. It’s kind of useful now, when I see someone I don’t want to talk to, I can just walk past them without feeling awkward. I use that same logic, as long as I don’t see them, they don’t see me. It’s kind of selfish to think that way, especially since people might think you’re looking at them when you’re just wandering off on your own business.

huh

 

I came upon an instance where I met someone who was so focused on what they were doing, they didn’t even realize what was happening in the classroom. People would be talking amongst the tables in our classroom, and there’d be this girl who did her work and when you asked her something she was completely oblivious to the conversations heard so clearly amongst us. It was like she was in her own world, no one existed but her ,until eventually someone would break the barrier between the two worlds to ask for homework help.

bubble pop

Occasionally I’ll get into a binge of questioning everything, and a topic that comes up a lot is being in a society. I figured my public persona is the only thing that’s keeping me from becoming Equality 7-2521 from Anthem. I feel like I lose a connection to people when I just blur everyone out of the picture. It’s the same feeling you have when you lose connection to the internet, you’re left with the question of what do I do now. I’d probably be living in a cabin in the forest somewhere if it weren’t for the internet. Sometimes I get caught up by own thoughts I forget about the importance of the things around me.  Living in your own world, is like ignoring the world itself, but maybe I’m wrong.

tunnel

Humor Is Tricky

I love sharing things that I think are funny with others because I want to make others smile, and when they do ,it feels like we accomplished something together. Delivering great jokes is the equivalent of winning a debate with people cheering you on by the sides. You’ve got that smug smile almost breaking through, but you play it cool acting like it happens all the time. But when things don’t go as planned, it’s like singing in the shower and having a stranger knock on your door telling you to shutup. It’s that fist clenching moment that makes you feel like the man whose cry sounds like a dying duck.Everyone has a different idea of what funny is, what you think they might find funny, might be the opposite. Another person’s humor is something you can never be certain about unless you’re related to them, then you might have a clearer idea of what they find funny because families usually share the same sense of humor(but honestly, who really wants to share jokes with their thirty-five uncle who eats cheesy potatos every friday night). I get really worked up about telling funny jokes or stories and when someone doesn’t laugh, my heart sinks. I think about those breathing practices and hand motions I learned from doing yoga with my mom and watching Sharpay get ready to sing on stage. By then I’m in the phase where I fight off the fact that I am butthurt, when really that’s all I can think about. The last step, so universally known among un-funny people is regret. Oh GOSH! WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT. JUST LOOK LIKE YOU’RE UNAFFECTED BY THEIR CONFUSED FACES. DON’T TRY TO EXPLAIN IT, IT’LL MAKE THINGS WORSE. But then you go ahead and try to explain how that thing is funny by shoving it down their throat….but it never goes well. Most times I’ll be stuck in a situation where I can’t recover quickly so I’ll bob my head and avoid as much eye contact to shield myself from my audience’s laser eyes of judgement. Sometimes you just have to embrace the fact that people have different likes and dislikes or accept that humor isn’t your strong area. If you enjoy what you do, keep doing it, embarrassment is temporary anyways.

wpid-20150225_103627.jpg

A baby possum and family pride

I remember the time a baby possum came into my house, it was dark and I was with two of my brothers. I think it was during a weekend and we were alone. It was a memorable experience in my childhood that lived up to the romanticized adventure stories we’d hear, but never really cared about. We had a game plan to figure how to get the possum out. The oldest one of us, Solomon took charge of what we should do, how to cope with being under the same roof of a foreign MONSTER, and how we were going to execute our plan.

arsenal_team_huddle_13810

So our plan went like this.The first thing we did was to build a safeguard, because in no way were we going to catch rabies at the age of seven, nine, and eleven.  Protection was the most important tactic—and it was all we could think of. We gathered pillows from our bedrooms as fast as we could nearly tripping at the last step of the stairs, but we also had to make sure that the possum stay put while we gathered our defensive equipment. My youngest brother was watching over the possum that was behind our tv, while my brother and I slid over the stair railing into our protective space without going beyond our borders. We arranged our couches as a barricade, and that’s when we encountered our first problem. The only way we could get out of our homemade couch and pillow fort was to climb over and out of the staircase. I was the only flexible one so it all was all up to me to bring the necessities that kept our hungry hearts alive.

adventure

The adrenaline was pumping and we were fidgety from excitement, it was like getting ready for a track meet that determined where our ranks would be placed. We all knew that there wasn’t really a threat to our safety(because of the barricade), but at least I pretended to act as if it was. It was so fun joining forces against something that we were all against, that I forgot how unpredictable an animal could be. Being scared together was kind of….thrilling or perhaps I was the only one thinking this.

ehe

Later that night, my oldest brother, Isaac, came home and found out about the possum. He wasn’t mad that we messed up the house, he just laughed like he was in disbelief at how prepared we were to battle against a rabid possum. Okay so I’m exaggerating, the possum wasn’t rabid. It didn’t move at all, literally. My oldest brother had to get a golf club and drag the possum outside because it was playing dead the whole time it was in our house. Once the possum was out, it scurried back into the pile of leaves I’m guessing it came from. We got all hyped for something my oldest brother took care of, if we had known this I think nothing would have changed. We’d go through the experience even knowing what we did was redundant. I guess siblings aren’t so bad to live with.

possum

“Sorry for not uploading”

Youtube seems like the perfect job, you hit the record button and you shoot what you want. It’s all up to you to think of the ideas and the content you want to share with the internet. However, with something good comes a flaw. I have no experience in creating videos and having a stable subscriber count, but I’ve seen the dark alleyways of youtube. The mistake that a lot of young youtubers make is, creating content based on the audience’s feedback. Applying the concept of supply and demand in videos, isn’t necessarily a BAD thing. In fact, it brings more viewers, people get to see what they want to see, and you become a better youtuber by using critique. However many times, people, specifically, youtubers see opinions as critique and eventually stop doing/get rid of the content that isn’t in the majority of the viewer’s vote. Sometimes it’s a good thing, because more people will continuously watch their videos because that pet peeve or whatever is gone. But on the other hand, the things that the creators had incorporated into their videos—are gone and that can mean part of their creativity.There’s a difference in using feedback to improve yourself, and using feedback to get popular. As youtubers focus more and more on what their viewers want to see, they forget about making videos their own. Eventually people get tired of making videos, later creating an apology and an explanation as to why they haven’t been filming. Every once in a while you see a video where a youtuber sits down and takes a video of themselves crying or being upset and later apologizing for showing it, like it’s such a shame to show how human a famous person can be. Connor Franta, Zoe Sugg(aka Zoella), and Claire Marshall are some youtubers that come to mind when it comes to being dehumanized. Like famous celebrities, youtuber is another category that is objectified like movie stars and such. There’s a pressure to keep up with appearances, to let people know that you are happy and that if you aren’t, then that’s a problem you don’t want to share with the world. While it makes sense that not everyone is comfortable with sharing their problems with random strangers, there is no reason to apologize for feeling blue, something that all humans understand. When a youtuber apologizes for getting stressed out, it feels like they’re saying ” I hope you still accept me after all of this”. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Occasionally you get the “youtube just isn’t the same anymore, it just feels like work”. What felt like a hobby in the beginning, now feels like working in a bland cubicle. Youtubers are expected to create interesting and frequent videos, but it’s hard to keep up with the standard. Others fall behind, and those that lack creativity base their content off of what their viewers want to see, they stop creating things that they genuinely want to do and eventually lose the passion for Youtube that was once there. This is what bothers me the most because during the past month I’ve listened to kids saying that they want to change their content to what fits their audience. They don’t understand how tiring it can be to write blog posts if it’s not to their benefit. Would you rather write posts about things you don’t have fun writing about with the exception that you have 10 million followers or write about things you’re interested in with 10 followers that genuinely like you for you? content

BEING SICK IS FLIPPIN AWFUL

I’m currently sick right now, and I feel terrible. I just want to sleep all day and cry about the homework I have to finish by tonight. My brother randomly just brought a lot of snacks including hot cheetos, lays barbeque chips, kit kat, twix, gummy worms, and hersheys chocolate. This is probably some 6 year old’s dream, unfortunately I can’t enjoy ANY of it because I’m sick. So I have compiled a list of the good and the bad parts of being sick, let’s go!

Being Sick Sucks and here’s why:

  • you can’t taste anything, therefore you can’t enjoy any of the good food you eat during the time you’re sick
  • loss of appetite, especially when people buy you amazing food
  • you feel nauseous during the worst times(in school, work, etc)
  • you have to be conservative with your coughs and sneezes, so you’re constantly battling whether you should hold your cough or sneeze in
  • you have to hold your cough or sneeze in so people won’t be as annoyed as you
  • you can’t eat dairy products because it worsens your mucus, that means ICE CREAM, CHEESE, MILK
  • the minute the cough drop goes away is the minute your throat starts feeling like a sandbox
  • you’re tired constantly, even if you got enough sleep
  • you need tissues by your side like an iv tube
  • you have to eat healthier
  • you have to force unnatural amounts of water down your system
  • you can’t breathe out of your nose
  • you don’t feel like doing anything and that means watching a movie
  • you can’t wear awesome clothes
  • for some reason you’re voice box is like “nah, not today or the next couple of days” next thing you know you sound like nasally 12 year old boy nervously asking a girl to the eighth grade dance
  • your ears are blocked for 10 years

Before you start boiling with anger from remembering these experiences, here are reasons why having the common cold can be somewhat okay.

  • you feel extra toasty warm when you drink tea
  • you can eat healthy food without being bothered because you can’t taste it(hooray!)
  • you can easily pretend you’re feeling so awful you can’t bother to make yourself some food, so you get your brothers to
  • when you actually need to go to the bathroom when you’re in school, teachers are way more lenient
  • people stay away from you
  • family members are nicer to you
  • people don’t bother you(this mostly applies to introverts)
  • you get to eat cough drops(maybe it’s just me, but I’m a fan of cough drops)

I’m feeling terrible and I’ll probably wake up the next morning feeling less terrible. I could have sped up this cold, but that means I have to eat healthy and stay away from junk foods, which is …no bueno for me. Happy sunday to all!

gif

2014 Taught Me Simplicity

I always say the year prior to the current year is great even if it wasn’t. I’d say 2014 was a pretty progressive year. I learned more about myself, which is weird to say because you’re expected to know who you are because you are you. The majority of 2014 was a rocky road and I’m not comparing it to the ice cream flavor. My life seemed great and amazing and it was finally reaching that utopia I had in mind, and suddenly it was all taken away from me, or it felt like it. I felt small and I came up with reasons why things happened like maybe it was karma or god telling me I need to stop being so materialistic or that this was some life lesson. I took it as a life lesson, but it took me a while to learn from it. In fact, I’m still learning from it. I was always upset, ungrateful, angry and I tried to find reasons to be sad. I WANTED to be sad because it just felt hopeless. I had this desire to have a dramatic life so it could match up to be what I’ve seen on t.v. and so I thought this was my chance. It turns out that being sad makes you feel even worse, it wasn’t a surprise ,but I didn’t expect it. I got into this argument with my brother a couple months later and after we talked it out, I started to realize how I focused so much on the little things. I realized most of the temper tantrums I threw were failed acts of trying to be “lively” and rambunctious. I was like this as a kid, and growing up I accepted it as something that was a part of me, but in truth, I’m not such a crazy person I thought I was. My desire for a dramatic movie-style life was kind of…corrupt. If I’m pretending to live another life, that life still won’t be mine.Life in movies are different from actual life, and it took me until last year to understand that basic concept. Everyone says reality is awful, and hey I’m not disagreeing with that, but it’s also kind of great. I tend to daydream a lot and daydreaming can be tricky especially if you use it in the wrong context. And if you’re spending most of your time daydreaming how are you going to deal with greeting the inevitable reality? I don’t want my life to be a copy of movie, no matter how glamorous, I just want to live life the way it is(whatever that means). I also stopped believing that something like the genie from Aladdin was going to make my life more awesome, if I want something to happen, it’s my decision to act on it. I can’t count on something else to make things better, hard work will triumph over all obstacles. Wow, I’m starting to talk like my chemistry teacher and I can’t decide whether it’s a good or scary thing. And lastly, I’m going to stop obsessing about everything. So this is how my materialistic obsession starts, I see something that has a certain feature that other products don’t seem to have and I just keep thinking about how cool it is and how much I want it, that I eventually go nuts when I don’t have it soon. For example one time I saw my friend use the Hawaiian Tropic brand sunblock and it smelled good and I realized that I was low on sunblock(when I actually had a half the product left), but it didn’t matter that I already had sunblock because the Hawaiian Tropic is sunblock totally different from the Banana Boat sunblock. Simply smelling something that is pleasant is a good enough reason for me to buy something. Why couldn’t have I just used my sunblock I already had instead of hauling my mom with me to buy one thing from target? Then I have this other obsession where I start to doubt myself in everything, and question my every motive. I care so much about how others see me, and that’s one of my main problems. If I stopped obsessing over what everyone else thought and just focused on myself, I’d be fearless and I would actually be myself. So whether something is big or small, over thinking kills originality and I’m not going to let go of the one thing that identifies me. I’m grateful for the year 2014, which made me realize that my life won’t ever be a movie(thank goodness), taught me that I shouldn’t freak out so much and learned that spending time on negativity is just a waste of my precious time.

nancy fights with everyone

Don’t Be a Weenie

My 9th grade English teacher once told me about how she turned down the chance of meeting Ray Bradbury. Well, she wasn’t technically going to meet him, but the job was to show Bradbury around her school or something like that. She told us that she turned down the offer because she was shy. I couldn’t believe it! She turned down Ray Bradbury, I mean, opportunities like this don’t come so often and to put something down because of fear, is kind of sad. She ended the story by telling us how rueful she was and I felt the same aching pain so I started thinking, why do we let fear stump us? In fact, why do we allow our emotions to dictate our actions? Some feelings are temporary, and if everyone acted based on how they felt, this world would be more chaotic. I hope to never come across a situation where I let my fear get in the way of something I want. It’s so easy to tell yourself to ignore fear’s presence ,but then you start wandering off and thinking about all the worst things that could happen. You start making excuses and by the time you’ve made your decision, it’s already too late. And now you’re realizing that fighting over something you know you wanted to do, was just a waste of time. It’s not a bad thing that you’re missing out on something, but the fact that you convinced yourself that you were defeated, is what makes the difference. We should be able to explore things free from judgement or fear. Kick down the door to your comfort zone, and venture what you please because I’ve never heard anyone envy about people who live life “safely”. By “safely” I mean getting rid of the things that aren’t in your daily routine and only sticking to the things that you have become used to. Adventurous people are more fun because they’re willing to do what most people are afraid to do. Now I’m not saying you should go jumping off cliffs, but a little fear in our lives keeps it exciting.

eeeesh

Putting More Work Into Procrastinating Than Actually Doing It

I hate procrastinating, but I always end up doing it anyways. I’m a lazy person and when I’m given homework, I try to lag the work until the last day. My chemistry class is a good reference to my system of procrastination. The first thing I do when I’m assigned homework is look at the due date, which is most likely due the next day. My chemistry teachers loves assigning us reading everyday, and sometimes he repeats the homework to make sure we retain what we read. Teachers who assign things like this are great, but I take it the wrong way. I decide that I can just do all of the reading that was due at the end of the week ,the day before all of the reading is due. There’s always a voice at the back of my head saying that I should start working on my homework because I will fail that class, and then there’s the voice that I follow. I try to drown out what I should be doing by doing things that I shouldn’t be doing, like watching videos on youtube. So I come home at four and the clock has struck 9 and I’m realizing that I could have gotten so much work done if I had stuck to doing my work. The logical thing to do, is to start the work after realizing that you will fail the class, but I just get even more worried and decide to procrastinate some more. I have a real problem. I spend so much time thinking about how difficult or tedious my work is, that, that’s all I accomplish when all that energy could have gone to ACTUALLY doing something. Sometimes I’ll just go into my living room and find ANY excuse to get me away from doing my homework. I’ll take out the trash, walk my dog, wash the dishes, or just sit and literally do NOTHING so I don’t have to deal with starting my homework. I do this a lot, so this piles up, fast. So on top of the homework that’s due tomorrow, I have to worry about the homework that was due, like a week ago. However there are also the times where I actually do my homework on the day it’s assigned, but even then I’m procrastinating along the way. The second I open my chemistry book, I’m hungry so I grab a snack, but then I realize it’s been over an hour. There is no point in continuing my work, if I already wasted half of my time eating. The final day comes along, and by 9PM I decide that I really need to finish my stuff, so I do and I end up going to school with about 3-4 hours of sleep. Along those frustrating hours of trying to finish my work, I realize that the homework wasn’t as dreadful as I thought. All I can think about now, is how thinking about something too much or too little isn’t a good thing. While I was distracted, I tried little to think about the mounting piles of homework, so when I got around to doing it, I was a mess.When I thought about it too much, I got anxious so I resorted to distractions which wasn’t a great solution to my problem. I had good intentions in the beginning, but I fell through during the process. Stop being a nugget, and go by the nike slogan and just do it.

1388133