“The End Has No End”

Forgive me for stealing your song name, if any of the band members of the Strokes ever sees this. Julian, Albert, Fabrizio, Nick, and Nickolai, I’m sorry, even though you guys broke up a while ago. But I can’t help that it’s a great title.

As Orwell puts it,

“Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand.”

endless

A blog post has the potential to be just as similar. Especially when it comes to the conclusion. But I never really reach the conclusion. Writing is like reaching for something that gets farther away. Between the space and object are ideas,opinions, and memories that attach themselves like extra pieces of legos on an already “completed” rocket ship. All my blog posts are unfinished pieces of writing, which ends up as a mega-aqua-rocket ship. Like trees that branch off from itself or from other branches, or charmless charm bracelets begging for attention, or a plain fro-yo screaming for toppings, there’s always something to add. There is no end(oh hello title reference)!

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2014 Taught Me Simplicity

I always say the year prior to the current year is great even if it wasn’t. I’d say 2014 was a pretty progressive year. I learned more about myself, which is weird to say because you’re expected to know who you are because you are you. The majority of 2014 was a rocky road and I’m not comparing it to the ice cream flavor. My life seemed great and amazing and it was finally reaching that utopia I had in mind, and suddenly it was all taken away from me, or it felt like it. I felt small and I came up with reasons why things happened like maybe it was karma or god telling me I need to stop being so materialistic or that this was some life lesson. I took it as a life lesson, but it took me a while to learn from it. In fact, I’m still learning from it. I was always upset, ungrateful, angry and I tried to find reasons to be sad. I WANTED to be sad because it just felt hopeless. I had this desire to have a dramatic life so it could match up to be what I’ve seen on t.v. and so I thought this was my chance. It turns out that being sad makes you feel even worse, it wasn’t a surprise ,but I didn’t expect it. I got into this argument with my brother a couple months later and after we talked it out, I started to realize how I focused so much on the little things. I realized most of the temper tantrums I threw were failed acts of trying to be “lively” and rambunctious. I was like this as a kid, and growing up I accepted it as something that was a part of me, but in truth, I’m not such a crazy person I thought I was. My desire for a dramatic movie-style life was kind of…corrupt. If I’m pretending to live another life, that life still won’t be mine.Life in movies are different from actual life, and it took me until last year to understand that basic concept. Everyone says reality is awful, and hey I’m not disagreeing with that, but it’s also kind of great. I tend to daydream a lot and daydreaming can be tricky especially if you use it in the wrong context. And if you’re spending most of your time daydreaming how are you going to deal with greeting the inevitable reality? I don’t want my life to be a copy of movie, no matter how glamorous, I just want to live life the way it is(whatever that means). I also stopped believing that something like the genie from Aladdin was going to make my life more awesome, if I want something to happen, it’s my decision to act on it. I can’t count on something else to make things better, hard work will triumph over all obstacles. Wow, I’m starting to talk like my chemistry teacher and I can’t decide whether it’s a good or scary thing. And lastly, I’m going to stop obsessing about everything. So this is how my materialistic obsession starts, I see something that has a certain feature that other products don’t seem to have and I just keep thinking about how cool it is and how much I want it, that I eventually go nuts when I don’t have it soon. For example one time I saw my friend use the Hawaiian Tropic brand sunblock and it smelled good and I realized that I was low on sunblock(when I actually had a half the product left), but it didn’t matter that I already had sunblock because the Hawaiian Tropic is sunblock totally different from the Banana Boat sunblock. Simply smelling something that is pleasant is a good enough reason for me to buy something. Why couldn’t have I just used my sunblock I already had instead of hauling my mom with me to buy one thing from target? Then I have this other obsession where I start to doubt myself in everything, and question my every motive. I care so much about how others see me, and that’s one of my main problems. If I stopped obsessing over what everyone else thought and just focused on myself, I’d be fearless and I would actually be myself. So whether something is big or small, over thinking kills originality and I’m not going to let go of the one thing that identifies me. I’m grateful for the year 2014, which made me realize that my life won’t ever be a movie(thank goodness), taught me that I shouldn’t freak out so much and learned that spending time on negativity is just a waste of my precious time.

nancy fights with everyone